come on girl let's sneak out of this party

(derek jarman)

the new year is especially a thing for me right now because i'm really interested on the idea of beginnings. it's a tendency to want to start over- especially when things go wrong and it seems like the only way out is to scrap it. to destroy any remnants of what once was and creating something new.

i keep a list of beautiful words and phrases next to me when i'm writing, and one that keeps popping into my mind at random times is the phrase: "shedding layers". wanting to rid myself of excess baggage because i know that it's exactly what is holding me down. freeing myself.

i  try to find opportunities to start again every single day.  the past has always been the past- but it becomes something entirely new once I acknowledge that it no longer has to be a part of me.

i've been keeping a #agenda tag on my tumblr for the things i want to get a little closer to in 2015. i don't think that a year is enough for me to definitively accomplish all of them (for some of them, it seems like most people don't even have it all down after even a lifetime- it must be impossible); but i would like to try a little bit harder each day. also, i really like the idea of having a fluid list that i can add to throughout the entire year.

x

2k14 was pretty good to me. the first part all the way up to september (all of 7th grade)  was strange- and i see it as especially strange now that i'm more self-aware, and can tell how mind-numbingly irritating i must have been 1/2 the time haha. i'm kind-of, sort-of kidding. increased self-awareness has been great, but also, you know, terrible.

but after that (somewhere around the beginning of 8th grade)- it seemed like everything clicked into place. there's a strange sense of drive to create and to enjoy things with others. a feeling that a lot of things aren't as stressful as they seem; the realization that (no matter how much i complain) i love being busy and don't actually feel satisfied without something to do; the desire to spread positivity into the world that i'm pretty sure I owe to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. I was shaking off the ennui in my life. It was good.

(Primary Time, 1974 by Bas Jan Ader )

one of the biggest lessons i learned this year was definitely about taking opportunities. i went to a thrift store near my house this summer and saw this really cool jacket that i wanted, but was afraid to get for some reason. when i went back the next time to get it- it was gone. i was incredibly mad at myself for letting it slip past me like that.

i know it sounds miniscule, but when played against my soundtrack that summer of There's More to Life Than This by Bjork and Christian Dior by Morrissey (both songs about how life will pass you by if you don't pay enough attention)-- it felt life-changing. it was a sign that if i want something badly enough i have to take it. it's the philosophy of staying hungry- something i have to work on a lot.

at the end of 2014, i kind of found myself on a roll where i started reading only really amazing, beautiful books (in no particular order):

1. the woman warrior: maxine hong kingston

2. for colored girls who have considered suicide / when the rainbow is enuf: ntozake shange

3. the communist manifesto: karl marx*

4. nadja: andre breton*

5. weetzie bat (re-read): francesca lia block

6. a raisin in the sun: lorraine hansberry

7. to kill a mockingbird: harper lee
8. extremely loud and incredibly close: jonathan safran foer

9. woman in front of the sun: judith ortiz cofer

10. beloved: toni morrisson*

11. grandmothers: Nikki Giovanni*

12. fahrenheit 451: ray bradbury*

(* means that I started reading it but I got distracted by something, or overwhelmed with work and I had to stop, but then I started another book anyway. this is one of those habits that I really want to break in 2015.)

--
there's also this interview i can't stop thinking about that i saw online a couple of weeks ago; i can't remember which designer was being interviewed but they answered every single question the same way and it went something like:

what are your goals for the future?
to continue!

what are you focusing on right now?
continuing!

do you have any advice for the next generation?
continue!

ETA (1/11/2015): It turns out that the interview was actually with Martin Margiela for i-D April 1998. I feel ridiculous because it was actually on my agenda tag, but my tumblr theme was messing up and I couldn't see any posts that far back. 

via

when i read it i wanted to write "CONTINUE" in permanent marker on every surface around me. i wish i could remember more about it or even just get to read the entire interview, (if anyone has any idea what it was, please let me know), but either way, i'm hearing the message LOUD N CLEAR.

I think 2015 is also going to be about me coming to terms with my idiosyncrasies, learning more about myself because i feel like i'm a fairly complex person and I need to unravel all of that sometime soon.

and because this is a fashion blog, here's the last outfit picture of 2014:

  

polka dot dress / gift

button-up shirt (backwards)/ dad's closet

mom jeans (inside out) UO

reeboks / thrifted

--

see you on the other side.

-=-

kanyinsola